#01 On kicking off
I am sharing my writing for the first time. Naturally, the below is about that.
I recently watched „Whisper of the heart” – a sweet little Studio Ghibli film that explores creativity, sense of wonder, search of one’s own voice and other seemingly small things that can make the greatest difference. While I randomly picked it among the works of the legendary Hayao Miyazaki available on Netflix, it definitely felt as a serendipitous discovery later.
If you haven’t seen it, the story released in 1995, follows an inquisitive teen girl named Shizuku Tsukishima who reached the point where she’s begun to question the direction of her life and her true calling. One day, on the way to the library, Shizuku sees a peculiar cat on the train. Driven by intense curiosity she chooses to follow the cat as it gets off the train at her station. The intense chase leads the girl to “a place where stories start”, an antique shop run by Mr. Nishi. As the story evolves, Mr. Nishi becomes Shizuku’s friend and mentor, supporting her on her pursuit of becoming a writer. When the girl shares her insecurities about writing, the elderly man patiently explains that Shizuku, like a craftsman, should not expect perfection at first. He shows her a mica slate with beryl hidden in its core, reminding her that although she might not know it yet, there is something that truly sparkles deep inside her - once found, it will take work to realise its true beauty. “Rough, unpolished, still natural… the rough stone is inside of you. You have to find it and polish it. It takes time and effort.” he tells her.
I don’t want to give away the whole story in case you want to watch the film, but Shizuku’s fear of finding out she is not good enough felt painfully familiar. While I always had a clear interest in writing, every time I sit down to write, the cynic in me starts coming up with an endless amount of doubts and tells me to quit. Sometimes I push through and keep writing, more often I accept the defeat and close the page. I’ve been stuck in this holding pattern for years now - having hundreds of drafts and ideas in my Notes app, yet not being able to fully quiet a voice that says I ‘m polishing a rock that eventually isn’t worth much of anything.
I don’t know if that’s true but I am finally willing to put the required time and effort to find out. I wanted to start somewhere so I figured I could start by cutting the rough stones out of the rock into a somewhat useful shape and share those weird creations with the world here on Substack. And who knows, maybe one day I start writing something that is almost worth reading, eventually improving it into something worth reading. You know?
The other day I stumbled upon some extracts from Van Gogh’s letters to his brother, written in 1879. There was a line that stuck with me: “Does what goes on inside show on the outside?... Someone has a great fire in his soul… and passers-by see nothing but a little smoke at the top of the chimney.” By sharing my writing, I want to try to illustrate some of what goes on inside: thoughts, ideas, and mostly questions that occupy some space in my mind. As you can imagine, the thoughts will be flawed and never fixed by simple virtue of coming from my individual perspective, which is honest and curious, but also limited, biased, and constantly evolving. The theories have a potential of having zero external validity and questions will not always have the answers.
“But what’s your ultimate goal, you’ll say. The goal will become clearer, will take shape slowly and surely, as the croquis becomes a sketch and the sketch a painting, as one works more seriously, as one digs deeper into the originally vague idea, the first fugitive, passing thought, unless it becomes firm.” – wrote Van Gogh in another letter and that perfectly summarizes what you can expect in the next 100 essays. I’m trying to figure it out as I go.
If you cannot wait for more of this self-indulgent writing, you can stay/subscribe and expect a dispatch from the stream of my consciousness once a month for now. The first one is sent in November.
Thank you for reading.